Caroline Quinn Donnelly

Caroline came 4-5 weeks (depending on what date you use) early. She came out kicking and screaming and no one in the room would have guessed what happened next. I remember most of the nights events..some are still a blur but coming back as time goes on. I remember hearing her cry when she was first born. I remember her being placed on my stomach and almost kicking the doctor in the face. I remember how proud my mom was to get the opportunity to cut the cord in Dan's absence. I remember them taking her away to get cleaned up and all checked out. I will never forget watching the nurse do Caroline's inital evaluation and just looking over and thinking to myself "That doesn't look right". She'd lift her arm up and it was just plop right down, no movement what so ever. She'd lift the other arm, same thing. I remember her rubbing her chest over and over again and not hearing her crying and when she flipped her over to rub her back I remember the look, or absence of a look in Caroline's eyes. They tried to do everything as quietly as possible as to not alarm me but I knew exactly what as going on. The nurse practioner came in and rubbed as hard as she could, still nothing. They pulled out the ambu bag...maybe she just needed a little jumpstart? Still nothing. She asked for an oxygen monitor, the first didn't work, the second didn't work, by then she said forget it, she clearly wasn't breathing! They intubated her and whisked her off to the NICU. Everyone in the room was in tears..."that SHOULDN'T have happened" was all I kept hearing. I remember wanting to run after her but couldn't, darn epidural! I was up and walking and wanting to see my baby much sooner than they expected but I had to wait. The doctor came in an hour or so later to update me. "We don't know why she stopped breathing but she keeps having apnea spells so she'll have to stay on the vent for now. Just a little longer and you should be able to see her". I waited and waited and waited what seemed like an eternity. My nurse came in and said I was ok to go over, finally! So over I went to see my girl, all 5lbs 8oz over her. I remember turning the corner and hearing the all too familar vent dings from working in the ER. She just seemed to be covered with tubes and wires. I don't really remember what the nurses said, I was still trying to take everything in. I remember touching her foot and she stopped breathing. Great! Was this what things were going to be like?! Every time I touched her she stopped breathing. So there I was unable to hold or even touch my little girl and no one seemed to know why.

This was Caroline at 1 day old. I didn't get any pictures of her that night as I mostly steared clear of my phone. Aside from a select few I just couldn't even put into words what had happened.