We seem to be having a lot of these over the past few months. I was so excited to come here and update you on all of the great things Caroline was doing (although we still had no diagnosis). Her g-tube was doing wonders for her. She had regained the weight she lost and even grew 2 inches. She was loving her new stander and the awesome new toys services for the blind and PT had gotten her. But all of that changed within a few short days. My girl was doing the best she had done in awhile and just like that was gone. We woke up Saturday morning January 28th not knowing it would be the last time we'd say good morning to her. I still remember getting some snuggles in that morning and how happy she was to sit with her mama. I miss those snuggles. I miss her sour formula smell. Her hair! Oh do I miss her hair. It was the best mixture of brown and blond and no one ever quite knew which color to call it. The back was starting to get longer and get some curl to it like Emma's. She looked so adorable with her little pig tails.
Exactly 4 weeks and 1 day later we welcomed her little brother. Our first boy! What should be the happiest time in our lives just seems to have this looming cloud over it. We spent the first week in the NICU. Nothing nearly as serious as Caroline but the fear of starting out there and wondering if we would end up in the same position in 16 months was hard to ignore. The staff was all the same and remembered us. The doctor on call the weekend she passed had let everyone know and aside from the few that had forgotten it was nice to not have to explain things over again. But now we are out of the hospital and get the questions that you get with every new baby.
Random stranger- "Is he your first?"
Me- "No, he's actually #4...he has 3 older sisters"
Then there's usually a comment about how I don't look old enough for that many or how I've "been busy" and then the ticking time bomb that they don't even know they're setting off.
"How old are his sisters?"
Now, I suppose I could just leave her out of the equation all together and say he has 2 sisters and save myself the heartache. I feel like I'm leaving her out though so I'm heartbroken regardless so for ow I'd rather mention her then leave her out. I could just mention them but not mention that she's passed but once again I feel like I'm lying about who she is and who we are as a family (granted we've only seen nurses at the doctor's office so far but eventually we'll be out and the same will happen and I really just don't know what to say)
We've taken down her crib and sorted through most of her clothes. I finished Benjamin's bedding and absolutely hate it in that room. The colors are all off. But, that was Caroline's room! I LOVED that room for her. It fit her so perfectly. It was the first room completely done in this house and there wasn't one thing I would change, so now I feel incredibly guilty about painting it. We aren't getting rid of all the blue..I refuse to pull the tree on her wall down (at least at this point). I guess I'm just trying to find the balance between not living in a shrine completely dedicated to her as the other kids still need at least a semi sane mama around. But not just boxing up everything and repainting her room and moving on as if she was never here.
Another bittersweet moment(s) for me lately is just dealing with the kids. This was supposed to be so much harder than it is. And no, I'm not saying newborns are easy. However, I was suppose to have another kid added to the mix. And that kid required way more attention than the newborn does. I devoted my entire day to her and while Benjamin does take up a good portion of the day and night, I still find myself sitting there from time to time when all the kids are sleeping and thinking "this was my time with Caroline". Nap and bed time were when Caroline had decided that she wanted all the attention. Just as my head would hit the pillow she'd be crying for some mama time and I would go get her and snuggle up on the couch. I miss that. Yes I snuggle with Ben but I miss my 20lb 32in, way too large to be snuggling like she needed to snuggle girl! ::sigh:: I guess this blog has turned more into my journey as life without her...one day at a time, right?
